I turned 40 two weeks ago. Birthdays like this tend to illicit some reflection on and assessment of one's life. Indeed, I spent the week leading up to and the last couple of weeks thinking over my life, choices I've made, where I'm at and, as I used to say, who I want to be when I grow up.
This reflection, conversations with my family, plenty of internet browsing and a healthy dose of comparison caused me to make some changes and ponder directions for my life. It was time to make decisions, I thought. I scolded myself for my inability to make decisions and so, began making them left and right. Some of these decision include recently, as I've mentioned in previous posts, giving up work outs for the month of October. I agreed to shop exclusively at Walmart for thirty days in a pseudo-stewardship challenge. I announced to the fam I was going to take a stab at the Whole 30 challenge. As I looked over the series of decisions I made I noticed one commonality: I was deciding things in 30 day increments. I would cease workouts (something I actually enjoy) for 30 days. I would shop exclusively at Walmart for 30 days. I'll cut out dairy, sugar, alcohol, bread and beans for 30 days. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I'll do it!
It occurs to me as I struggle with the why questions that perhaps the problem is that I should stop making decisions in 30 day increments and make decisions about who and what I want to be until...until I change my mind, until God changes my circumstances, until Holy Spirit prompts me in a different direction, until these decisions no longer make me happy. And yes, it is possible to be Holy and wholly submitted to God and still consider my own happiness when it comes to making decisions for my life.
I live in an almost constant state of fear that my circumstances will change. I worry that my peaceful little existence will get disrupted and I will be forced to change everything or make new decisions. I get worried about liking something too much or committing to a direction for my life because, what if? I can "what if" the heck out of my future and basically render myself paralyzed unable to do anything for fear it's the wrong thing. Wrong according to whom I'm not sure, but I am completely convinced that the world sits in judgment of my decisions and so I submit my joy to their approval.
What to do? Now, there's a worth while decision to be made. I suppose it's time I started taking ownership of who I am, boldly stating what I like and don't like and embrace exactly who I am in this exact moment. And it's time I started doing so without explanation or apology.
Will I abstain from working out for 30 days? Actually, just the opposite. Here's what happened: I took one day where I didn't feel like working out and translated that into I shouldn't workout. Ever. Good thing I don't do that on days I really don't feel like adulting and being a mom....And, I am actually one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise - it is a huge stress reliever for me. So rather than stopping exercise for 30 days, I plan to do more of the activities I enjoy and stop all the nonsense that made me not like one of my favorite hobbies in the first place, i.e. HIIT, slow yoga, crazy long workout sessions. So, for now, I'm going to stick with my early morning runs with my girls, my hikes with the fam and a couple of strength training routines from Dashing Dish on my non-cardio days. Throw in a little power core yoga for flexibility and I'm good to go. And if I hit those days I don't feel like working out, guess what? You'll find me curled up with a good book and a cup of coffee. Ya know, not working out. Easy peasy, lemon squeasy.
Will I do a Whole 30? Heck to the no. As I was explaining to my daughters that I was going to do a Whole 30, I told them I knew I would add in dairy, grains, sugar and beans after the 30 days. So, um, what does removing them for 30 days from my life prove? In short, for me: nothing. If doing a Whole 30 empowers you and leaves you feeling healthier and happier, do it! For me, I'm pretty sure, going into the holidays, it would just make me angry. For the most part, I already feel healthy and happy. Listen, I like health food as much as the next gal. I actually really do enjoy a kale salad, sweet potato toast, zucchini lasagna and overnight oats. But, ya know what? I also like Pumpkin SpicePop-tarts anything, brownies made from a box, diet coke, a McDonald's McGriddle and Fruit Loops. Word.
Okay, shopping at Walmart for 30 days? Yeah, I'm still in on that one. This one actually does bring me joy. First, if it works out, I will indeed keep doing most of my shopping at Walmart after 30 days. Additionally, I do want to prove to the hubs it can be done and, let' be honest: it's not a huge adjustment. This decision seems to honor God. This one feels fun. This feels productive.
God honoring, fun and productive? Hmm, maybe I've landed on the criteria for all my decisions.
So, this is who I am. I am a girl who loves Jesus and her family. My husband is my best friend and my daughters are two of my most favorite people in the history of ever. I remain immeasurably grateful for my church and I completely adore the girlfriends in my life. They both sustain me and energize my weary soul. I like to binge watch old episodes of 90210 and Home Improvement, but I also love anything BBC. I would rock workout clothes and a messy bun 24/7 if I could, but when I take the time to put on a pair of skinny jeans, booties and straighten my hair I feel like a million bucks. I love black coffee in the morning and coffee with sugar free creamer in the afternoon (or all day, really.) I say I'm outdoorsy, but I hate, hate, hate bugs and lament that I must share the outdoors with them. Because, let's be honest, by outdoorsy what I really mean is I like to hike manicured trails and view the outdoors from my window seat with a latte in hand. I love French music, French food and French fries. I love a good pair of cowboy boots and imagine that the Pioneer Woman is my best friend. I have a love affair with red glitter that becomes apparent every December. I don't do essential oils and I should buy hairspray and dry shampoo in bulk because I. Love. The. Stuff.
It feels empowering to own who I am and to be me, out loud, flaws and all, without apology.
I once had a mentor several years my senior tell me her forties were her favorite decade. She told me when she was in her twenties she was still stupid ( Amen!) and in her thirties she still cared too much what people thought of her (true story.) But in her forties, she quipped, she was wise enough to know better and confident enough not to care what others thought. Now, I get it.
So, this is me at forty. Sorry, not sorry.
This reflection, conversations with my family, plenty of internet browsing and a healthy dose of comparison caused me to make some changes and ponder directions for my life. It was time to make decisions, I thought. I scolded myself for my inability to make decisions and so, began making them left and right. Some of these decision include recently, as I've mentioned in previous posts, giving up work outs for the month of October. I agreed to shop exclusively at Walmart for thirty days in a pseudo-stewardship challenge. I announced to the fam I was going to take a stab at the Whole 30 challenge. As I looked over the series of decisions I made I noticed one commonality: I was deciding things in 30 day increments. I would cease workouts (something I actually enjoy) for 30 days. I would shop exclusively at Walmart for 30 days. I'll cut out dairy, sugar, alcohol, bread and beans for 30 days. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I'll do it!
It occurs to me as I struggle with the why questions that perhaps the problem is that I should stop making decisions in 30 day increments and make decisions about who and what I want to be until...until I change my mind, until God changes my circumstances, until Holy Spirit prompts me in a different direction, until these decisions no longer make me happy. And yes, it is possible to be Holy and wholly submitted to God and still consider my own happiness when it comes to making decisions for my life.
But let the godly rejoice. Let them be glad in God's presence.
Let them be filled with joy.
Psalm 68:3
I live in an almost constant state of fear that my circumstances will change. I worry that my peaceful little existence will get disrupted and I will be forced to change everything or make new decisions. I get worried about liking something too much or committing to a direction for my life because, what if? I can "what if" the heck out of my future and basically render myself paralyzed unable to do anything for fear it's the wrong thing. Wrong according to whom I'm not sure, but I am completely convinced that the world sits in judgment of my decisions and so I submit my joy to their approval.
What to do? Now, there's a worth while decision to be made. I suppose it's time I started taking ownership of who I am, boldly stating what I like and don't like and embrace exactly who I am in this exact moment. And it's time I started doing so without explanation or apology.
Will I abstain from working out for 30 days? Actually, just the opposite. Here's what happened: I took one day where I didn't feel like working out and translated that into I shouldn't workout. Ever. Good thing I don't do that on days I really don't feel like adulting and being a mom....And, I am actually one of those crazy people that enjoys exercise - it is a huge stress reliever for me. So rather than stopping exercise for 30 days, I plan to do more of the activities I enjoy and stop all the nonsense that made me not like one of my favorite hobbies in the first place, i.e. HIIT, slow yoga, crazy long workout sessions. So, for now, I'm going to stick with my early morning runs with my girls, my hikes with the fam and a couple of strength training routines from Dashing Dish on my non-cardio days. Throw in a little power core yoga for flexibility and I'm good to go. And if I hit those days I don't feel like working out, guess what? You'll find me curled up with a good book and a cup of coffee. Ya know, not working out. Easy peasy, lemon squeasy.
Will I do a Whole 30? Heck to the no. As I was explaining to my daughters that I was going to do a Whole 30, I told them I knew I would add in dairy, grains, sugar and beans after the 30 days. So, um, what does removing them for 30 days from my life prove? In short, for me: nothing. If doing a Whole 30 empowers you and leaves you feeling healthier and happier, do it! For me, I'm pretty sure, going into the holidays, it would just make me angry. For the most part, I already feel healthy and happy. Listen, I like health food as much as the next gal. I actually really do enjoy a kale salad, sweet potato toast, zucchini lasagna and overnight oats. But, ya know what? I also like Pumpkin Spice
Okay, shopping at Walmart for 30 days? Yeah, I'm still in on that one. This one actually does bring me joy. First, if it works out, I will indeed keep doing most of my shopping at Walmart after 30 days. Additionally, I do want to prove to the hubs it can be done and, let' be honest: it's not a huge adjustment. This decision seems to honor God. This one feels fun. This feels productive.
God honoring, fun and productive? Hmm, maybe I've landed on the criteria for all my decisions.
So, this is who I am. I am a girl who loves Jesus and her family. My husband is my best friend and my daughters are two of my most favorite people in the history of ever. I remain immeasurably grateful for my church and I completely adore the girlfriends in my life. They both sustain me and energize my weary soul. I like to binge watch old episodes of 90210 and Home Improvement, but I also love anything BBC. I would rock workout clothes and a messy bun 24/7 if I could, but when I take the time to put on a pair of skinny jeans, booties and straighten my hair I feel like a million bucks. I love black coffee in the morning and coffee with sugar free creamer in the afternoon (or all day, really.) I say I'm outdoorsy, but I hate, hate, hate bugs and lament that I must share the outdoors with them. Because, let's be honest, by outdoorsy what I really mean is I like to hike manicured trails and view the outdoors from my window seat with a latte in hand. I love French music, French food and French fries. I love a good pair of cowboy boots and imagine that the Pioneer Woman is my best friend. I have a love affair with red glitter that becomes apparent every December. I don't do essential oils and I should buy hairspray and dry shampoo in bulk because I. Love. The. Stuff.
It feels empowering to own who I am and to be me, out loud, flaws and all, without apology.
I once had a mentor several years my senior tell me her forties were her favorite decade. She told me when she was in her twenties she was still stupid ( Amen!) and in her thirties she still cared too much what people thought of her (true story.) But in her forties, she quipped, she was wise enough to know better and confident enough not to care what others thought. Now, I get it.
So, this is me at forty. Sorry, not sorry.
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