Heartbroken

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~ Hosana, Hillsong United

It's the question, as Christians, we all ask at some point and, often, the one to which there never seems to be a satisfactory answer. The other night, in the wake of the tragic shooting in Las Vegas, the devastating fires in Northern California and hurricanes in the Gulf and Puerto Rico, my youngest daughter asked me this question:

"Why does God allow so much pain, death and destruction in the lives of so many?"

I knew the standard "churchy" responses that I'd heard over the years. I told her things like, we may never know the answers and we have to trust God and we don't have the privilege of seeing the big picture. I told her the only and best thing we could do was pray for everyone affected and ask God to show us ways to help and minister to those in need. Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe all of these things are true and are completely appropriate responses to this tough question. But, as I put her to bed that night, I couldn't help but feel my answers were insufficient and her thoughtful question deserved a more thoughtful response.

The next morning, as we were eating breakfast and discussing the events of the day ahead, my husband received a telephone call from a dear friend in Texas. We were heartbroken to learn that another friend, our former worship pastor in Lubbock, had been killed the previous night in a car accident, leaving behind a wife and three young children. As we shared the news with our daughters, both of whom knew this man very well and spent quite a bit of time with him and his family during our time in Texas,  my youngest daughter gazed at me with wide eyes. Her eyes were filled not just with the sorrow of grief and sadness, but with anger and bitterness. 

"This is what I mean," she said. "What did he ever do, or his family, to deserve this?"

The truth is, I was feeling the same thing. The why questions were swirling in my mind and my need for answers and explanations began to consume my thoughts as I attempted to make sense of this senseless situation and rationalize the irrational. 

In that moment, an account I'd read years before in Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis came to mind. He explained, if my recollection is correct, at the moment of our creation as individuals, all our free will choices for all time, are known by God. God doesn't cause us to make certain choices, as that would negate the concept of free will of course, but He does know the outcome of our free will choices. In that moment God, as the designer of the universe and author of eternity, must make every free will choice - virtually infinite choices across the expanse of time - work together for the best possible outcome. Thus, what may appear as the worst possible occurrence to us, is perhaps the best possible scenario given all possible contingencies. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

Romans 8:28

I explained this idea to my daughter, and while conceptually it helped her understand, if not explain recent events, it certainly did not numb the pain or dull the sting she felt in her heart. As we hiked at our cabin and discussed this very issue, it suddenly occurred to me perhaps the pain, hurt and anger she was feeling was not meant to be assuaged by a rational understanding of events. The grief she was navigating and anger she was left with, are not only understandable, but appropriate. My daughter, like all of us, is created in the image of her Heavenly Father. Her heart is meant to break for what breaks His. Her righteous anger mirrors His at the sight of pain, destruction and suffering. Her demand for justice and mercy aren't flaws she's supposed to "get over", but proof that that Holy Spirit has taken up residence in her heart. She is bothered to her core by the sin and evil in the world. And, shouldn't she be? Shouldn't the painful effects caused by a world separated from God bother all of us who call ourselves Christ followers and stir us to action and prayer? As people of God, we've tasted and seen what is better. We've caught glimpses of what it really means to love and be loved, to be shown mercy we don't deserve, to be forgiven beyond all comprehension and to experience pure joy. After experiencing Jesus, how could anything less not break our hearts and arouse a righteous anger? Indeed, it should!

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!

Psalm 34:8

So, this is the rub isn't it? This is the paradox we face as Christians. When we choose to surrender our lives to Christ and accept Him as Lord and Savior, we immediately experience a release stemming from unconditional forgiveness and peace stemming from unconditional love. But, I must warn you, when you've tasted something this good, this satisfying, so sweet and pure, the harsh aftertaste of evil is more bitter and the odor of pain caused by sin exponentially more pungent. We serve an Almighty God who is more heartbroken and bothered than we could dare imagine. Thankfully, though we are indeed called to action through ministry and to rise up by hitting our knees in prayer, He offers us the refuge of His love and mercy as we attempt to navigate the treacherous terrain of a fallen world. 

I see a generation

Rising up to take the place

With selfless faith, with selfless faith

I see a near revival

Stirring as we pray and seek

We're on our knees, we're on our knees

 ~ Hosana, Hillsong United