Emma's Story

Want to hear something ironic?

I am an avid and passionate baker and spend my days either talking about or reading about food, yet for the majority of my junior and senior years of high school, I had an eating disorder. I want to laugh too after reading that statement. Maybe the questions arise in your mind as it did mine: how?

The answer is pretty simple: dissatisfaction. I hate saying that, but that’s the bottom line. At the beginning of my second semester of junior year, I began to realize that my little girl metabolism stopped working as quickly. I was never one to work out if seconds were available I wanted them, and dessert? Well, that had to be a daily thing. But in my home, our menus and diets often changed and had a consistent unpredictability about them. It quickly became impossible for me to keep up with our ever-changing food rules. In my home, there was a season where there were good foods and bad foods, clean foods or junk foods, real foods or processed foods. As a result of this labeling, my perspective of food and health got skewed in an extreme way. I became obsessed.

In my mind, things became off limits and I attached boundaries to what was supposed to be a fulfilling thing. I began to wonder if what I had been eating all my life was bad and that lead to a skewed image of myself. I became utterly discontent with myself. At the beginning of my second semester of junior year, I weighed roughly 120, maybe a tad bit more. And based off of all I was hearing about food and seeing on social media I told myself that was too much. So I decided to do something about it. In my inexperienced and discontent mind I came up with the only quick solution I could think of: eat less and workout more. It started more mentally before I took any serious action. Up until the new year, I was just struggling with an inner conflict of always second-guessing every decision I would make. By the time the new year of 2017 rolled around, I had lost some weight due to eating less and little workouts here and there. I made a resolution to myself that I would let go of this silly mindset and focus on actual realistic health. I had a better understanding of healthy foods and daily activity so I would go forward in this new revelation. But once the lies of not feeling enough and feeling unworthy in your skin enter your thought process they dig some pretty deep roots. My resolution did not last.

My mom, sister, and I started a 6-week workout challenge and it genuinely was fun. I began to enjoy working out. There was a meal plan that went along with the program that encouraged most meals to be made from scratch and consists primarily of fresh real foods with a balance of macros. Those two things of working out and a balanced meal plan are not bad things, as a girl who’s always had a respect for the culinary field I loved the aspect of making so many of our meals from scratch. There really is something so satisfying in buying the ingredients and transforming them into a wonderful piece of art that fuels your body. My problem, though, as I began to see results from the workouts and meal plan. I began to see muscle tone, I got a little thinner, I had more energy- and I became consumed with the results. This obsession was only fueled by the insistent lies in my head saying I could do more, be thinner, get more toned, count every calorie. I listened to the lies because, unfortunately, I was not in a secure enough place. Confidence and contentedness in myself had no place among the standards I thought I had to maintain.

Months passed and I had developed a pretty strenuous workout schedule so I was burning more calories, yet I still was in the trap of eating less in order to maintain. Let me tell you- scientifically when you begin to move more, you need to eat more in order to balance this all out. I knew this, but I liked the control I had and the results I was seeing too much in order to put that into practice. Finally, my senior year rolled around and my weight had dropped to a steady 100 pounds. Over the course of my senior year, my weight continued to drop below 100 pounds due to stress and hectic schedules. I was already a small girl with a petite figure so losing that much weight in that short amount of time wasn’t doing anything for my health.  This is also when I started my baking program through EVIT and got a job at a bakery shortly after. The unpredictability of my schedule didn’t help me. I told myself that I may not be able to work out as much, so to balance that out I would just continue eating small meals. I thought this was balanced, but it was really the struggle to maintain control. There was no balance in my mindset. On days that I had school and work, I was roughly on my feet for 10 hours or more. I was completely exhausted and refused to fuel myself in the ways I knew were necessary. My mom tried to make the connection for me that standing for that long burns calories I couldn’t afford to lose. But I simply didn’t see it that way. I didn’t understand the danger I was putting me and my health is by living this life of portions.

My mother obviously noticed. Shocker right? Moms have this unique ability to sniff us out and read our minds and they suddenly get us all figured out. Well, my mom noticed I was getting smaller, eating less, and was too devoted to working out. She noticed my mood would dramatically swing when one of my perfectly planned portioned meals unexpectedly changed. She noticed my hour long workouts without a single rest day. She even noticed the mental shift I had been living in without me even saying a word. Not only was she one smart mama, she had gone through the exact same battle.

She would prod and ask questions, and I’d shrug her off and come up with a somewhat believable answer. But the truth is I suck at lying and she wasn’t buying the “I’m just full” crap I was saying. My sister began to notice too and she was concerned. My dad noticed my actions and he was angry. Everyone in the home knew what I was going through, I was just too selfish to come out and admit I had a problem. I had finally maintained what I deemed an acceptable body image and weight. I had a firm enough control over what I was eating and had reconciled to the lies that some foods were simply not good- like peanut butter. Yeah, I stopped eating peanut butter for a time because I thought it was too many calories. It wasn’t until I noticed the effect I was having on everyone else that I saw change had to occur. I’ll tell you, I did not want to let go of the control I had. But I got over myself and my wants just enough to see the hurt I was causing my family. So I said it out loud.

I told my mother everything she already knew. I told her how unhappy I was. How I thought I wasn’t beautiful unless I reached this standard. How our inconsistent food rules fueled this mindset. I told her that her own physical figure and passion for working out made me think that's the way to achieve health, which was not fair to her. It was not fair that I placed my mama on this unrealistic pedestal as my image of perfect health. It’s exhausting for both of us because, as I came to understand, there is no one perfect health program or diet. After I sought forgiveness from my family and committed to letting them enter this battle with me, I knew there was one more thing I needed to do in order to take lasting genuine steps to recovery.

I needed to seek the forgiveness of my heavenly Father.

In my stubborn attempt to literally shape myself into this image I was mocking God. With every workout I did out of a selfish desire I told Him His creation wasn’t enough. When I continued to eat less and less I told Him His provision wasn’t sufficient. When I doubted the core of my identity by fueling the lies rolling in my mind I told Him He wasn’t worth my trust. How disgraceful I had become. When the severe reality of my disorder hit me I was convicted. I was ready to surrender because exhaustion began to catch up with me physically and mentally. I was ready to let Him in because I had seen ways He had to provide for me in the past; why would this circumstance be any different? I dove back into God’s word and sought out the promises and truths He said about me. I am holy. I am wonderfully made. I share His inheritance. I am specifically called by HIm. But the one thing that really struck me was the fact that when Christ rose from the grave He reigned victorious over death. And because Christ dwells within me I share in that same victory. I have the power of Christ in me so I too can walk in freedom. When I control what isn’t mine to control what am I saying about God’s strength and grace? I’m saying it’s not enough when in reality I am just completely undeserving of what He freely gives. He is a jealous God who unconditionally pursues… me. Yes even when I doubted Him and chased this world He still listened, showed up, loved me, and convicted me.

Ever since inviting my family in for accountability and support at the beginning of this year, I’ve entered a road to recovery. The past 4 months have been the healthiest, most fulfilling steps I’ve taken. I realized I am not alone. I am blessed with a lovely and incredible family that wants nothing more than for me to see the beauty they see. I never have to guess if I can fall back on them, for I know they are right there to catch me. I realized I have a responsibility for recovery. I am a 7th-grade coach at church and I challenge my students to be vulnerable, to trust in God’s faithfulness, and to surrender what is useless in this world. If I want to have any sort of authority in their lives I need to practice vulnerability and surrender in my own life. I realized I am called to be a baker. I’m starting college at Scottsdale Community College this fall and recently graduated from EVIT's spectacular baking program. I have a deep passion for food, a real talent for baking, and a unique appreciation for the culinary field. Fear has no place in God’s calling for me. I cannot pursue this calling hand in hand with the fear I held onto for so long. In order to be most effective in my purpose, I need to daily surrender those doubts and fears. I realized no food is bad. Food is food; it is fuel for our bodies and it is healthy to listen to our cravings. Balance takes place when I actively listen to my body, experiment with new recipes, and plan for the treats I want to enjoy. I’m now eating with sincere joy and satisfaction the foods I once deemed unacceptable; because peanut butter and dessert are just too frickin good to not eat. I realized excessive workouts every day are not necessary- or even really healthy. I was totally stretching my body to limits it couldn’t go. I tried slowing down my workouts to around 20-30 minutes just for giggles, and surprisingly I was more satisfied with that outcome instead and so was my body. I implemented a rest day, my activity is outside more in the form of walking, hiking, or cycling more than anything else. I no longer feel discontent if I miss a workout day, I no longer look in the mirror and see flaws or problem areas, but instead see a vessel for God to work through. My body is a temple for God’s glory to shine through.

These past few months have been some of my most joyous fulfilling moments, because I am actively living in a life of surrender. Finally, a weight is off my chest because it was taken up by Christ on the cross, and we already know how that story ended. I am baking more and have a totally new healthy perspective of food that is much more satisfactory than the turmoil in which I was. I’m enjoying more of what my body craves; be it a good pb&j, a milkshake or a good roasted vegetable. I’m more in tune with my tastes. I have found that I have a deeply fulfilling love for my exercise taking place outside. I am honoring my body by immersing myself in God’s spectacular creation. I don’t know what’s more glorifying than that.

I am actively on the road to recovery. It will take a while because for a long while I lived in fear and with burdens. I still need to gain weight, and that doesn’t totally freak me out anymore because I’m willing to honor my future health and effectiveness by taking action now. I ’m not scared in taking those necessary steps like having a spoonful of peanut butter, having snacks in between meals, finishing all of my meal. The temptations of my stronghold are daily and are triggered by the littlest things. I believe that is something that won’t go away for a while. But even though the temptations are present, I know my God is too. I am confident now in the extent of His strength and the truth in my identity. I have a sound faith in the goodness of my God and His Spirit coursing through me. I have a rejuvenated love for food and respect for my body. I know I now have the strength to combat those temptations. They will arise, but with my God and the unyielding support of my family, I am capable of rising higher.

Eating disorders are really scary things. We can get overly creative in how we justify our motives and cover up our actions. But the real truth behind an eating disorder is all it adds to your life is exhaustion. I was mentally exhausted from weighing every decision, planning every workout, attempting to maintain this image. It is nothing more than a mere tactic the enemy uses to distract you from God. Do you know that? The enemy holds no divine powers, just a manipulative playbook filled with temptations and trials to trip us up. Oh sons and daughters of Christ, we stand behind one who holds all divine power. We can confidently stand behind the One who has already defeated this silly enemy of ours. We can trust in the One who redeems us no matter how far down we’ve fallen, for He immediately lifts us from the waves.

My eating disorder is a part of my story. It was a scary but real season of my life. What it is not is my identity, for that abides in Christ. What it is not is an ending, for through my weaknesses I am made strong. It is a part of my story but not my whole story, for my whole story ends when I have obediently fulfilled my purpose on this earth. My burden was merely a chapter in which I turned into a stepping stone so I could get closer to God and His unique specific calling for me. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am enough. I am victorious. I am who You say I am.